TL;DR at the bottom

Hello everyone,

I don't think I've taken a single break from anything speedrunning or streaming ever since I started streaming in January 2016. But I definitely need it. I haven't felt the same streaming in a while, ever since I broke the goal of sub hour in Metroid Prime any%.

Ever since SGDQ16, I had the goal of achieving sub hour in Metroid Prime any%. Even though I swapped to a variety of games since then, I still had that goal. During that time, my channel fluctuated, but mostly grew. I was able to build a very supportive community. While it was small, everyone had my back and was looking forward to seeing me achieve my goals.

Getting the 0:58 was arguably the best stream I ever had. It was a 12+ hour stream which increased in duration depending on the bit donation. It was a super successful stream, even more than I ever expected. The best part was getting the 0:58. For those who don't know about that stream, I got a 1:00 time when I was almost certain it was a 0:59. Shortly after that, another Prime runner going for sub hour got it. As hard as it was to see that, I didn't stop. I managed to get the sub hour time and was the only person who ever skipped the 0:59. What a day, what a rush. I achieved the goal I had wanted so badly for almost a year.

However, as great as it all was, that was when things started to go downhill. I moved on from Metroid Prime for a little while, went back to play some other games, but nothing really held me or motivated me to go for a good time. I didn't stick with a game for long. I didn't play with the same ambition I had when going for sub hour. I let everything go. This has negatively affected my channel, to the point where today I have less than 20% of the support I had back in May.

The decline of my channel, along with all the responsibilities I have here at home has been a major toll on my mind. Being transgender as well hasn't helped at all. I constantly struggle with my gender identity, though I seem to feel best when I consider myself as gender-nonconforming, or nonbinary. This is a big reason I changed my name, but with a name change, I definitely saw a decline in my channel as well.

With all that in mind, I think it is best if I take a break from streaming. I do plan on doing some DK64 NLE over the Christmas holiday, since I will have a lot of time to do runs and practice, but I won't be trying to push my channel or stream in any serious manner for a while. I need to build my self-confidence back up. I need to strive for something. I need to have the time to become part of more communities. I need time for myself--to practice without stress, to play other games without feeling like I have to broadcast. It hurts to have to do this... but I see no other choice. I haven't been producing quality streams lately. They've all been... either fake, half-assed, or depressing. I can't do that to you guys or myself. I'm just wasting time.

So expect to see a few streams over my two-week vacation so I can do some DK64 runs. It won't be too serious or goal driven, but I can't give up my short opportunity to run a longer category.

I love all of you. Whether you lurk occasionally; chat often; supported me financially with bits, donations, or subs; or you have given me advice, I love and appreciate every single one of you. Thank you for showing me I have potential to be a part of something like this. It has been very humbling and I can't wait to contribute to this wonderful community again. I will still be active on Discord and Twitter, but as for the streams, I bid you guys farewell for now. 

With love,
~Ven

TL;DR: I need a long break from streaming for many reasons, but will continue being a part of communities as much as I can. I will do DK64 NLE runs during my two-week vacation coming soon.