i've been going through a rough period with sm64. basically i feel like i'm not really getting better at the game despite practicing. like when i would do upstairs RTA i would play poorly like all the time. i have only gotten a sub 36 upstairs in practice once i believe, which is pretty ridiculous to me. i don't expect to literally always play amazing because that isn't realistic, but i just don't play up to my standards and it's really frustrating. i noticed in my recent practice (i did hours of practice earlier off stream) i've been getting mad, which i think used to not really happen. literally feels like it doesn't matter how much time i put into upstairs RTA for example, it doesn't really help me out with consistency, like i've peaked in a way. honestly what i probably have to do is put more time into the game, play more consistently and change my mindset. in general i have a pretty negative mindset and it probably impacts my performance in a way. not too sure how to fix this though. i think one of my problems is that i compare myself to cheese too often and feel like my movement is really inferior and it brings me down, instead of motivating me to improve, so i end up playing less possibly. like i said in some recent tweets, comparing can be good, because it can motivate you and help you realize where you're being slow etc, but it can be very negative with the wrong mindset. for movement improvement, what i have to do is look at the spreadsheet and see what stars i'm doing really slowly, and looking at cheese's movement can help too, just gotta have a better mindset about it. i need motivation, and with motivation comes grinding, which i did earlier. hopefully it lasts because god damn i'm tired of feeling disappointment when i play this game. i think my 120 star PB and especially my 70 star PB both suck. i haven't PB'd in several months which is kinda a joke to me, but i also gotta realize that at a top level in sm64, the grind is really damn difficult. this game is really god damned difficult, so i can't really expect back to back PB's every other day. the times are getting lower, faster movement is being done, and it's getting harder to get a PB because of that. that's just how speedrunning goes. i will absolutely not  "retire" before i get a 1:38 and a 47 though, i want to achieve both of those times AT LEAST before considering taking a very long break or something. like yeah i'm sure i'm gonna need some breaks during the grind down the road but i wouldn't take a very long break like several months off or w/e. i will say though, that it's nice to have another game (bomberman 64) to speedrun on the side when i'm feeling frustrated with sm64 or don't feel like playing it at the time. i think i'm gonna pick up bomberman hero eventually though, because when i picked up bomberman 64 i didn't realize how much RNG there is to the run. at least, i don't think bomberman hero has a lot of RNG to it, but i might be wrong. haven't seen the run in a while. as for drawing, i haven't spent a crazy amount of time into it, but i've drawn for a bit recently. i'd say 2+ hours. i could definitely be putting more time into it but motivation in general is just hard lol. i feel kinda retarded when i draw because of how bad i am but it's just a part of the learning process. anyways that's probably it. i typed this with a limited edition Fakku Bowser rule 63 spiked dildo in my ass also FUCK RNG