I feel like it's appropriate to make a new pastebin today of all days. (Now Tues the 26th because I lost motivation to continue writing this yesterday) I don't even know where to really start because I don't have any real direction I want to go with this so I may jump around a bit. The past couple years I've had to rethink what I'm doing with myself, my future, my personal and private life. Speedrunning: I haven't really had much motivation in any games lately and it does irk me to some extent. Partly it's because I know how I get when I want to go fast in a game, knowing I can do better and get harder on myself about every mistake. The worst part is doing that and getting upset at those mistakes time and time again killing my mood and the eventual conceding defeat after bashing my face into a wall (Emotionally of course). The thing is that I like playing games at my own pace and the way I want to, so when I try things differently and end poorly it gets rid of any of the fun I have playing. I don't strive to be the best but I still like trying to be somewhat competitive. I got a 4:20.66 in the Hat in Time speedrunning event, I'm fine not getting the full meme. Submitted Extreme-G to AGDQ but I find it unlikely to get in because it's the slower of the 2 submitted. At least I finally got myself to submit something semi-seriously instead of a meme. Speaking of, I was planning on taking some time beforehand and visit my family for a couple days or something and then go to AGDQ but I still need to figure out rooming. Casual Games and Stream: I find it hard to pick what to play sometimes, lately it's just been a lot of PUBG streams with some other things thrown in like ALTTP Randos. Still amazed that anyone subs to me since I'm not that entertaining and don't really have good emotes (I mean I have 1 emote so...). I've thought about making a poll or something for people to pick what I play. I don't really have any sub goals, feel free to suggest anything and I'll consider it. Browse my steam library or some games I have with me and pick something that you guys think you might enjoy watching me play. Me and my life: The past couple years have been the hardest on me personally and it was easy for me to just shut down inside. It's still hard for me to forget certain things that have happened, they've just been burned into my memory over and over. (It's hard to get over a 6 year relationship [That's all I'm saying before I rant]). I tend to internalize my negative emotions and when it gets too much I'll either shut down emotionally or I'll lash out in some manner. Let it be known that I don't hate anyone, that's not the way I am. I may get upset or caught in the moment but I don't mean anything negative. If I've any interaction with you in the past whether it be mumble, a brief conversation, race, outing, etc... I consider you to be one of my friends and I value friendship a lot. Even negative interactions with you I'll forgive but it may take some time. No matter what happens I'll think of you as a friend even though you may lie about wanting to be mine or something (oops I started ranting). But I do like to do things for you guys no matter how stupid it may be. It's hard to keep some personal things secret to just a few people who understand me. Also anxiety and depression suck. As most of you guys know (or not, idk man) I moved into speedhouse at the end of July to give myself a bit of space from some things I was dealing with back home and try to get a new perspective things. I still don't have the slightest clue about what to do with myself. I don't want to go back to work but I should. I want to still learn how to draw but I always lose motivation before I try. Also I'm 28 now (fuck) and still have no plans on anything. Help. Sincerely, Chroma Dingus.