time ------ Starting this off by saying that just typing this stuff out seems to help a lot with getting through it in my head. Also, none of this is what I would consider a serious issue. In reality, it's not an issue at all, in the sense that it has no possible resolution (unless you count death, but we're not doing that), but it's heavy enough *in my head* that I want it out in some capacity. I'll also say that never in my life have I ever thought that I genuinely had depression, which I am extremely grateful for, but this is probably the closest I've felt something that I could describe as depression. Lately I've been having more thoughts about the past, and am possibly experiencing some sort of quarter-life crisis (although crisis might be too strong a word). I've had these thoughts since 2011 to some degree, but I have never had much trouble keeping them repressed and maintaining a positive aura, and it just sort of hit me with an increased intensity at the start of this month, albeit seemingly-briefly. I'm almost certain it's simply to do with aging. The main thoughts I have regarding the past aren't necessarily regrets (although there are some of those mixed in for sure), it's moreso sadness over the fact that basically everything I've done prior to 2014 is impossible to recreate. It also feels like life has gone by super fast since 2011, compared to the speed at which it felt like it was going in high school, which makes me further concerned. I recognize how illogical this is for many reasons, mainly because there is no point in becoming depressed over something you literally have no ability to change. I can't time travel back a decade and experience all this stuff again. But for some reason, just pondering about this stuff can bring along an unreasonable amount of sadness that I am not sure how to directly resolve. My reaction to remembering something pleasant I did in the past shouldn't ever be "you'll never have that specific enjoyment ever again", and my reaction to listening to a song shouldn't be "I remember when I first heard this, those were good times that I won't ever experience again; why didn't I get into that genre of music before its scene changed so drastically / died?" But sometimes, such thoughts cloud my mind and prevent me from enjoying something I was hoping to enjoy. I do feel part of this is how much stock that society puts on simply being young. I don't know how to expound upon that any further at the moment. Maybe that's just in my head. But I do feel less 'on top of the world' mentally at the age I'm at now compared to 3+ years ago, and I don't logically know why. I'm objectively in better physical condition (sans maybe tiny bit worse eyesight x_x), and everything I could do back then, I can still do now - the only difference is a shorter lifespan... so I don't know why I can be so bothered emotionally. I don't know why the thought of being inable to relive past experiences can bother me this much, or why I'm thinking I'm past some sort of prime when there's legitimately nothing to indicate that as being the case. I even still look like I could (maybe) pass for as young as 18 (or at least 20), so why do I care so much if my current 'number' is a little bit higher? I don't regret my overall path through life. I couldn't ask for a better, more kind family. I feel like I could not realistically have better friends than I do now, and I don't think I would have these friends if my path was even a tiny bit different than it was - at least, if the decisions I made in 2013 were significantly different, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here right now as I am. But I do have plenty of regrets, and some months it's easier to ignore them compared to others. And I'm concerned that the continued passing of time isn't gonna make things easier. It'd be incredibly stupid to spend time that could be spent enjoying life, regretting decisions made up to that point instead, or being sad that time travel isn't possible, so I will try not to; it's a waste of time, and I shouldn't drag down my future just because it won't contain the same things my past did. self-betterment --------------------- Recently I've been more concerned about things that should have benefits later (if they're not already having benefits) like exercising regularly and learning languages, stuff I have already been doing but not as seriously as I should have been. I feel like if anything is going to get me out of any mental rut that I'm in or could be in, it's making myself a better person in some way, and I think these are among the easier and more beneficial ways to do it. Exercising is something I didn't start 'seriously' doing until about 2011, and it's always been a sort of off-and-on thing. I would stick with it for 2-3 months, but then drop it for a similar amount of time. In November of last year, I moved and was without a convenient means of exercising, so I did very little and ended up losing about 12 pounds until I was able to move again and recover my equipment. Starting in August, I've exercised for roughly 6 hours a week every week, and I feel pretty confident saying I at least look the best I ever have right now (although right now it's only a slight difference compared to how I looked at, say, AGDQ 2017). It would be foolish to not keep at it, so I don't intend to quit, although obviously it will get more difficult to progress over time. Even if I don't feel well mentally all the time (who does nowadays?), I at least feel well physically, and even though I want to eventually look/feel twice as good, I am not disappointed in how things are going right now in that regard. I plan/hope to start learning a useful language in some capacity along with possibly another less serious/useful language on the side, but I don't know how well I'll be able to teach myself, or how much time I'll have to do this, but I do want to at least try. I feel like not knowing at least two different languages at a decent level is... limiting, to put it mildly, so I want to change that. speed --------- Here's everything I've done so far this year: F.E.A.R. 1 (v1.07): 54:30 (down from 1:01:32 (3/3/16)) F.E.A.R. EP: 38:25 (down from 39:12 (12/9/16)) F.E.A.R. PM: 48:14 (down from 52:21 (2/10/16)) --- 3:12 in Arena IL (down from 3:27 (3/2/15)) --- 1:41 in Clinic IL (down from 1:42 (9/17/16)) Super Metroid: 1:16:11 in 100% --- 56:13 in 14% Speed (down from 58:28 (8/11/16)) --- 50:35 in 14% Ice (down from 52:34 (9/9/16)) --- 47:57 in 14% Chargeless --- 14:59 in GT Code (down from 15:16 (7/29/16)) --- 33:38 in GT Classic (down from 34:58 (8/6/2016)) --- 5:58.4 in SS RTA (down from 6:22.5 (7/26/16)) also, http://deanyd.net/sm/index.php?title=Special:Contributions/Overfiendvip&offset=&limit=500&target=Overfiendvip - the usual stuff from me, and more to come (it never ends) Those runs are all here: https://www.youtube.com/user/Overfiendvip (the first 13 videos listed minus the moonfall one) Some stuff higher up on the to-do list: F.E.A.R. EP/PM: Improving both by 10s+ for potential 'final runnings', assuming that there's nothing left to be found at this point that would save significant time, then probably submitting to SDA. Super Metroid: 49 in 14% Ice and 55 in 14% Speed to shelf them indefinitely. ??? in Any%. MIGHT make slight improvements to GT Classic and 100% at some point but probably not anytime soon. There are a lot of games I still have intentions on running/improving someday like F.E.A.R. 2/3, Ubersoldier, DKC3, RE4, and Homefront, but part of me wants to wait until I have a much stronger computer than I have now. I've been using the same rig (GTX 460, i7 930, 6gb RAM) since 2011 - only ever had to replace the gpu once, nothing else - and would like to upgrade within the next year. It's not an awful computer necessarily - I can still obviously stream SM whenever I need to and have a relatively stable stream while simulatenously locally recording - but it's simply not capable of recording games beyond the intensity of F.E.A.R. 1 (a game released in 2006) in stable enough 720p60, so I couldn't stream those PC games right now even if I wanted to. Additionally, I don't expect to have as much time to devote to speedrunning after this year, but we'll see. warcraft ----------- WoW has been a pretty big part of my life. I've probably invested around a year of my livespan towards that game, if I had to guess. Began playing around TBC's release (early '07), put it down 'cold turkey' in the middle of Cataclysm (late '11/early '12, don't remember exactly) after coming to the conclusion that there was no longer any point to what I was doing ingame, and what little I was doing wasn't fun enough to warrant paying $15/mo for. It's difficult to say for certain because of nostalgia, but from what I remember, I enjoyed my experience in TBC the most as I was learning Mage, with memories of 34/27 PoM Pyro in BGs w/ rocket boots, and 40/0/21 in T5/T6 raids, but I enjoyed how I was playing the game (skill-wise) in Cataclysm, and I felt like the changes the expansion made were conducive towards how I wanted to play as Mage/Rogue/Warlock (control = fun). Plus those classes were pretty strong in PvP, but you could say they've rarely ever (if ever) been objectively weak and I'd agree. With the annoucement that official "classic" servers are coming at some point, I am beyond excited and could seriously see myself streaming WoW regularly assuming I can get my crap in order beforehand. I don't plan to let it totally eclipse my speedrun 'career' (I find that word awkward when referring to a hobby), but it's likely that it'll become my primary gaming/streaming focus because I feel that there's incredible potential there for something positive. I feel like it's a second chance at doing what I wanted to do before 2012, which was make video content of some kind of what I was able to do ingame. Back then, actual movies of gameplay, especially of PvP, were much more prevalent, especially since streaming was still in its infacy with programs such as Xfire, and it's exciting to think that I could have a chance at making a reality out of what has always been a pipe dream and something I thought would inevitably never happen. I have no idea when to expect these servers to come out, assuming they ever do, but I think sometime late next year would be the most ideal time for me in terms of lining things up (new computer, IRL shiz, etc) for neo-degenning it. Regardless of whether it's Vanilla or TBC, I would almost certainly start with Mage as its the class I'm most comfortable with and think I can perform better with generally, followed by Rogue and then Warlock if I somehow have time and energy to manage a third class. I'm hoping that the classic servers include TBC in some capacity, because I think I would excel more at that expansion and enjoy that expansion more than the original game, but I'll be playing no matter what. I never got to experience Vanilla, not even in private server form, so it would be a new experience in that regard. I'm curious about a lot of stuff. How many servers will there be? How many people do they expect to play initially a/o long-term? What patch will it start on (at least mechanically)? How many players will return that I remember from the competitive scene pre-Cata, during the existence of websites such as World of Ming and Arenacast? How will battlegroups work? Will battle.net be involved? Assuming they start on patch 1.12, will they release further patches that fix bugs that never got fixed by that point, or leave them in as part of the "experience"? The only thing in particular that I wouldn't mind (and I have noticed that "quality of life" is the biggest point of contention regarding classic) them adding is dual spec, or not making respeccing as punishing, but that's it. I do NOT want any mechanical changes at all. I want it to mechanically be as close to the same as Vanilla as is possible, and with that thought, I would not be upset if they kept speccing conditions unchanged, it's just the one thing I *wouldn't mind* if it were up to me. I don't care/want cosmetic changes like barbershops/updated models; I actually like the charm of the older models and considering I never played beyond Cata, it's what I'm used to and what I enjoy seeing. Also I'll almost certainly model change in some capacity so those would be irrel anyway. Finally, I'm interested to see what other speedrunners have planned. It'd be pretty cool to have a guild of speedrunners Horde-side on a PvP server that want to take it seriously and not give up after a few months. I don't really have any connections otherwise, so I'm not sure what I would want to do starting out as far as server choice goes if I were to go in raw and solo, but that could certainly change in the months leading up. Thanks for reading.