Well, uh... where do I even begin really?

I guess I'm still here after all. On Sunday I really thought that my mindset and my way of living would ultimately be the end of me, so at the time I legitimately believed that the logical approach would be to just destroy myself before life destroys me. Now here's something that I need to make clear: I never actually directly attempted to commit suicide. I looked into multiple ways as to how I could do it, but I'm just so far from being a murderer that I couldn't imagine doing any of these things to myself. I did go a few days without eating, but I wasn't necessarily trying to starve myself, it's just that I was so depressed that I couldn't motivate myself to do anything.

Honestly, I didn't really have the drive to actually "do it". I mean truth be told, my life isn't even in that bad of a position. I'm surrounded by nice people and I'm not obligated to do that much outside of studying for this school thing that's not even hard. The main thing that I was sad about is my past. Throughout my whole life I've always felt like my biggest enemy was myself. I got good real-life RNG with my family and friends and stuff, but as I mentioned in that previous pastebin, my mindset about the way the world works is just really bad. 

Growing up, I used to intentionally try to isolate myself from other people as much as I could. Not because other people were mean to me or anything, it's just that I always felt like I was a nuisance to everyone and that I didn't deserve to be around. Because of this,
I had serious problems with school because I always kept to myself and never asked anyone for help even if I needed it. The fact that I was like this throughout my whole childhood and teenagehood has definitely had a negative impact on my life. I was also mad at myself for always thinking weird thoughts and generally just not doing what I was supposed to do a lot of the time. So basically it was just an infinite loop of me hating myself and torturing myself for no good reason.

That's kinda why I always feel guilty when people try to help me, because most of the time I feel like there is no legitimate reason for me to be sad with all my first-world benefits and stuff. But something that I need to realize is that me isolating myself all the time is the REASON why I always end up getting so depressed in the first place. Whenever I isolate myself, I get caught up in my own ridiculous thoughts and just bog myself down even more. Whenever I'm actually talking to people or even just AROUND people, I'm usually not even depressed because I can't trap myself in my own mind. 

This is something that I finally realized in these past few days where I've been really depressed. I gave myself too much time to think about a bunch of negative stuff and that resulted in a monotonous cycle of sleeping, waking up, dreading my existence, and more sleeping. I definitely regret it a lot.... but this has all taught me a valuable lesson. From now on, I need to keep doing things and NEVER stop doing things. I need to do whatever it takes to occupy my mind and I need to not be afraid to talk to someone or ask for help if I need it. I just need to stay busy, and fight against whatever negative thoughts might try to creep up in my head. It's kind of a fearsome battle, but I believe that I can win the battle if I just fight hard enough. 

The insane amount of support that I got on twitter has made me realize two very important things: I'm not a nuisance and I'm not a bad person. You have NO IDEA how big of a transition it is for me to say something like that. It's true that I'm not perfect and I make a ton of mistakes but I guess all of that is just part of being human. I'm definitely not gonna lie and try to act like everything will be sunshine and rainbows from here on out. It's definitely gonna be hard to fully fix my mindset about everything and I'm sure there will still be plenty of struggles along the way. But here's what I need to remember: I'm never alone.

If I can just keep that ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING in my mind, I think things should work in the long run. And even if things don't work out for whatever reason.... it's always better to try than to give up, right?

Anyway, this pastebin ended up being a lot longer than I originally intended. It seems like a lot of people were really worried so I felt like I should write this so people can fully understand the situation. I'm actually just gonna quote exactly what I said earlier on twitter, because it accurately describes how I feel about all the support that SO many people have given me.

"You guys have seriously blown my mind beyond comprehension and I can't thank you all enough for the gargantuan amount of support. <3"

Seriously, I love you guys so much.

Oh yeah, and don't worry, I haven't forgotten about my stream. With the incoming launch of the Nintendo Switch and that new Zelda game, you can bet that there's a lot of awesome stuff coming up. I definitely have a lot of cool things I wanna do with my channel, but this pastebin is long enough so I'll save the rest for another time. :)