it's weird that I feeling the feel of guilt and shame vaping weed today even my dad think it's okay. and my dad is awesome~! but he has some riskier bets than I do and I'm a risky better myself. it's like I'm heading off in a different direction but I'm trying to do it carefully and cautiously hence the feeling needing a hardened shell. i need support and love. and honestly though i'm getting it there are so many of you who seem to care about me and are happy when I am happy that makes me feel very grateful emotional a bit this lotad run is pretty cool. that crew keeta seems to be in tend(s?) to work on cool things. damn i'm stressing about my unsure punctuation there haha, is that me caring too much, trying to put on a good face for you it's weird writing my thoughts but it's kinda cool sometimes I have a thought but it feels hard to capture and it goes by fast and then it's gone and i try to reconstruct it but I haven't really saved it and it comes out wrong. i'm glad there are still cool people doing cool things who still seem to be here, maybe close in my heart haha, this reminds me of when i wrote a reddit comment reviewing keeta's MM 2 pause i just got the thought to go check if it's 'keeta' or 'kaztalek' on twitter. so i don't get it wrong. i like to be respectful to those I care about and there's so many that I feel I don't care about and it's a bad thought shouldn't I care? I guess I do or I wouldn't seek out all the negativity. it's like I'm chasing after myelf, trying to save myself defend myself from whatever is ripping it away but being narcissa isn't a bad thing i feel really great about it i still get shy, I was just out recycling and throwing out garbage i still get shy and I wore pants despite wearing a lovely dress shortly before leaving and it makes me sad i want to be narcissa i'm crying right now